Reflections on PiT ~ Clearing The Yuck

Jan 29, 2013 by

www.jamesandshilo.comFrom Shilo’s Laptop on Tuesday morning…

Reflections on PiT – Clearing the Yuck

When James and I went through a very difficult time in our relationship, a dear friend (thank you, Jill Kennedy!) shared the PiT communication tool with us as a resource.

Like any tool, it is only effective if used.

Here’s the link: http://jamesandshilo.com/pit-communication-tool

Feeling like we were drowning in unresolved issues with no end in sight, we started using the PiT. As someone who bottles everything inside, the PiT quickly became invaluable to me as a safe way to begin expressing outwardly my emotions. In the beginning, it was: anger, hurt, disappointment and other “negative” emotions that were revealed in the process, however over time, once the backlog was cleared, it became a great tool to share exciting updates, insights, progresses and successes.

Someone once gave me the analogy – doing the PiT and “feeling the feelings” is like clearing the grime from the top of a bucket of water. The yuck has to come off first before the good things below can be revealed and rise to the top.

James and I had a lot to clear, so we made the commitment to do the 20 minute PiT communication process before bedtime, any day that either one of us asked for it. Needless to say, I was the one asking for it and so we did them daily for almost 3 months. By then, we had cleared so much of the past stuff, we were into the joys and positives too. Our relationship took a dramatic leap forward. All of a sudden, it became “us” together, against “it” – whatever the issue or problem was. Being on the same team and “in it together” was a hugely powerful shift in how we were addressing the day-to-day Life that was unfolding.

You can do the PiT once and it is useful, however its brilliance comes from using it daily for a period of time.

An important aspect of the PiT that I want to highlight is the “Appreciations” part under “I – Interpersonal: Between You and Me”. Even when I was angry and upset, I still had to focus on and specifically name James’ positive actions, behaviours, gestures. This forced me to let go of my attachment to the problem and stay open. Open to more. Open to new possibilities. Open to healing. Open to letting go. Open to moving on and creating what’s next.

A friend of mine and her husband co-facilitate a couples group and they recently challenged their couples group to do this PiT daily for the 6 weeks between gatherings. As leaders and wanting to set a good example, my friend and her husband diligently completed the PiT daily.

She and many, many others have been blown-out-of-the-water by the results of doing regular PiT’s.  Just a few of those results include:

  • Begin to understand and get to know your spouse in a whole new way; and visa versa;
  • Developing a better understanding of your spouses’ needs on a daily and weekly basis and feel/be better able to support them;
  • Feel seen, heard and understood on a new level;
  • Increased security that comes from having more clarity about what is actually going on in the relationship with your partner (instead of assuming and guessing) – without this clarity and knowing, you cannot trust in the relationship and feel really secure;
  • A way to become clear on your partner’s positive intent – their “form” may have sucked, but there is usually a positive intent behind your spouse’s actions;
  • It short circuits resentments and all of the stories we make up about whatever is going on and the feelings that get stirred up based on the stories we are telling ourselves about it;
  • A powerful aspect of being in a relationship is being witnessed (being really seen) and the PiT brings a deeper level of being witnessed;
  • Be better able to allow your spouse to better support you ~ receiving support is often WAY harder than we think it will be;
  • Have fun together and discover new things about each other;
  • It becomes easier to create more and more intimate time together; and
  • Big problems can be resolved quickly and without a lot of energy and emotion.

Sounds good to me ~ I think I’m going to go and ask James for another PiT!!

Namaste. 🙂

Again, here’s the link to the PiT: http://jamesandshilo.com/pit-communication-tool