Reflections on PiT ~ Acceptance is Key

Jan 31, 2013 by

www.jamesandshilo.comFrom Shilo’s laptop on Thursday morning…

Part 3 of my Reflections series:

Reflections on PiT – Acceptance is Key.

An important learning that James and I have had along the path of doing PiT’s regularly is that it goes much more smoothly when we each accept that the other person is having whatever experience they are having. There’s nothing to fix, nothing to solve.

“A thing is what it is.” Not what I want it to be. Not what I wish it would be. It is what it IS. When I accept what is, what actually is and not all the stuff my ego wants to make up about it, then there can be an opportunity to create change.

Acceptance is Key.

However, I am not responsible for changing the way James is feeling, nor he I.

It’s not my job to change him. In fact, it’s a useless endeavour! I can only change myself.

My “job” as the listener in the PiT process is to witness his experience, listen to what he has to say, and just “be” with him, as present in the moment as I can, while he shares. And visa versa. For me, this is especially important during the first section of the 20 minute PiT communication process: “P – Personal”. Sharing what’s going on in my own inner world and where I am at, what’s going on for me, what I’m thinking etc. It’s described as “one-way intimacy: from me to you”.

With James and I, this is a powerful aspect of the process but for a different reason than I ever expected… I am not a mindreader. I am intuitive, but I cannot read James’ thoughts nor can I expect him to read mine. I discovered amazing things about James when we first started doing the PiT. See, James is a wonderful listener. If you have ever needed someone to talk to, and you connected with him, you know this to be true. He stops everything and gives you his full, undivided attention. However, in this great listening space, it was like pulling teeth to get him to tell me what was going on, on his side (and still is sometimes!)! So the PiT created “the container” where it was his turn to speak  – and I got to listen for a change!

And, James has shared with me that one of the biggest benefits of doing the PiT for him is that I am willing to share, so he doesn’t have to guess. He knows what’s going on beneath the surface for me, even if I don’t have a solution yet. Even if there’s nothing to do except feel the feelings. He knows. He doesn’t have to guess.

If you haven’t done the PiT before, let me share with you 1 Important Secret

Keep to the time frames.

Do not exceed the 10 minutes each, uninterupted (20 minutes total). At the beginning, I had to literally grow my capacity to stay present and be fully engaged in the process. And some days, sometimes hearing things I didn’t want to hear or wasn’t very proud of, it was all I could do to get through those 10 minutes each. It’s a “process”.

PLUS, for people (like me!) who love to talk, it “encourages” you to be succinct. {smiles}

Be gentle with yourself and with your spouse.

One day at a time.

It took a while to get to this space, it’s not going to resolve itself overnight. It took us almost 3 months of doing this process daily to clear the backlog and get to the fun stuff! So I continue practicing my mantra: “be patient…longer!” Even now.

I am not saying this is always easy. It’s not. But it is helpful in the PiT process and I personally use it as a great life skill and personal practice.



PiT communication tool

Part 1 – Clearing the Yuck

Part 2 – I am Responsible for My Own Feelings