Reflections on PiT ~ Emotional Maturity? Uhf…

Feb 4, 2013 by

www.jamesandshilo.comFrom Shilo’s laptop on Monday morning…

Part 5 of 6 in my Reflections series:

Reflections on PiT ~ Emotional Maturity? Uhf…

Growing up is hard to do. Sometimes it’s been smooth. Lots of times it had to get so hard and hurt so much that I had no other choice but to change. Can you relate?

See, I’m young. I am 34 years old and I’ve been married coming-up-on 5 years.

Still practically a baby.

Still lots of growing up yet to do.

But through the (many!) bumps and thumps over my 34 years, I have learned a valuable lesson. Emotional Maturity makes being in a relationship sooooooo much easier. For both parties.

Emotional Maturity sounds ominous and heavy. Uhf. But for me, there were 4 Specific Steps that lead me in the right direction:

Step 1: Stick With It

Emotional maturity crept in through the process of doing the PiT daily and sticking with it. Just the commitment to do the PiT  every day for a set period of time demanded some growing up. Putting my commitment to James ahead of my tiredness, ahead of my crankiness (yes, even “sweet” ol’ me gets cranky!), ahead of my other ego-preferences in the moment ~ and I had profound shifts.

Step 2: Bite My Tongue When I’m Upset

Through the daily unfolding of the PiT and it working it’s “magic” on us, and through learning and applying our Agreements, more maturity snuck in. In those moments when one of us just wanted to say:

  • “I TOLD you so!”  (righteousness)
  • “It’s YOUR fault”. (blame)
  •  “When you do THIS for me, THEN I’ll think about doing what you have asked…”  (conditional, self-centered)
  • “What about ME?” (selfish)
  • and a whole bunch more…!

Guess what I did? I bit my tongue. Some things, I slowly learned, do NOT need to be spoken out loud. Imagine that. It took some conscious effort and some willingness, but it got easier and easier with practice. And I am not going to lie, James caught the brunt-end-of-the-stick a few times while I was learning, but I was learning and willing and it got easier and easier, faster and faster. Did I mention it took me lots and lots of practice??!!

Step 3: Hold Each Other ABLE

And through a great workshop called The Mastery of Self Expression, I learned an invaluable lesson – which shows up ALL THE TIME in our PiT practice: Hold each other ABLE.

Someone cannot make me feel anything. Only I can make myself/allow myself to feel a certain way. I may not be aware that I am making this decision, but I am the one making it. Every time. No one can DO anything “to” me. I am not a victim. James is not a victim. This lesson goes hand-in-hand with my earlier post about “I am responsible for my own feelings”. There is a significant amount of personal responsibility in this level of practice.

Here’s a great illustration of that lesson: If I put a knife down on the table, it’s James’ choice whether he picks it up and stabs himself with it. Or not.

If James says something and I do not like it, it’s my choice whether I take that in, and allow it to affect me adversely, irritate me, make my Self uncomfortable, angry or hurt. Whew. That was a HUGE learning for me. Both ways. In understanding that no one could do anything “to” me. And in understanding that I couldn’t do anything “to” James. We’re both Able Adults.

I won’t lie. I shed MANY a tear integrating this lesson. And I am still integrating it on deeper and deeper levels to this day. I think this might be classified as one of those Life Skills ~ as in, it might take me my whole life to really “get” it, all the time, with each person I meet!!

And… last but certainly Not the Least…

Step 4: Accept the answer, “No.”

When we first started doing the PiT process, I thought that if I was actually able to ask – out loud – for what I wanted, James was automatically obligated to say, “Yes”. He’s my husband after all. He’s “supposed” to help me, support me and if I am asking for something genuine, he “should” do it. Right?! Wrong.

When James first said, “No” to me, it was like a wet fish being slapped in my face. Not very pleasant at all. But real.

The reality is, sometimes what I think is good for me isn’t. Sometimes when I am stuck and cannot see the forest for the trees, I don’t know what would serve me best. Having some distance, James is often able to say, “No, actually this is what is going on and I would suggest you do this instead.” He loves me. He wants what’s best for me. He truly has my best interest at heart. So I began to Trust that when he said, “no” there was a valid reason and I needed to step back and take another look.

“No” didn’t mean “end of discussion”. It simply meant “we/you may need to take a look at this from a different perspective”.

I know that I am not “done” yet. There is still more learning, more growing, more maturing to come. But just typing this has been a beautiful celebration for me. A “wow ~ look how far I have come already” moment. Celebrating progress is another goodie! So with that in mind, I trust that the universe will continue to bring me what I need, before I need it, with ease and grace. One day at a time.

Watch for James’ grand finale post on the PiT tomorrow (Tues)!



PiT communication tool

Part 1 – Clearing the Yuck

Part 2 -I am Responsible for My Own Feelings

Part 3 -Acceptance is Key

Part 4 -Have you Ever Felt Like You Were Just “Gunning” For a Fight?!