PIT communication tool


The Assumption: an alive, passionate, loving, long-term intimate relationship is an on-going voluntary, participatory process of self-disclosure and dialogues. It requires that each person be curious, interested about themselves and in each other. It is being loving, plus risking being open to being loved and wanted by the other.

P.I.T. is a powerful one-to-one, intra and inter – personal communication and relationship building tool. It is easy to use and only takes about 15 – 20 minutes to complete a session of two people. When used weekly, monthly or even daily by couples, parents, families, business partners or small groups of people (3-4) who interact closely together on a regular basis, people feel connected, conflicts decrease in frequency and intensity. People stay up-to-date with each other.

The most effective benefit of using P.I.T. is that it allows a couple to interact one-on-one. Each person is free to express her/him self since no interruptions are allowed. This lack of interruption enhances the listening process. Most conflicts in life are due to misinterpreted understandings and incorrect, not-checked-out perceptions of others. Thus, the non-interruption rule is an absolute must in P.I.T.: each person is allowed to fully finish his or her section of P.I.T. before receiving a response or reaction from the other. Both people agree to this, otherwise it simply will not work.

P. = Personal


  • · What is going inside of me? How do i feel today, right now in my life? Am I content, excited, tense, happy, stressed, depressed or what? I disclose my inner world so that my partner/s can be aware of “where I’m at.”
  • · This is one element of intimacy – me to you – this is one-way intimacy.


I. = Interpersonal: Between “You and Me”


Appreciations: State the things (behaviours, actions, gestures) that I have noticed and appreciate about the other person, things that s/he has done that impress me or that make my day – recent events, personal characteristics that I admire about her/him, behaviours I have noticed that affect me personally and which I appreciate.

Difficulties: State the things that i notice that adversely affect me, irritate me, or things over which I made my Self uncomfortable, angry or hurt, things that s/he said or things s/he did or did not do. Reveal the things that I have difficulty with and how I affect my self, personally over them.

Closeness: I say how close I feel to my partner, right now in this P.I.T. (on a scale of one to 10. “10” = I feel very close and intimate with my partner, “5” = I feel somewhat close, a bit distant, “1” = “I” feel very distant, not very, not very connected with my partner.)

This is the second element of intimacy – mutual self-disclosure, me to you and you to me – it’s two-way.

T. = Tasks: I tell my partner the answers to the following questions:

What do I want more of? (in my life, my relationship with you, my career, etc.)

What do I want less of?

What’s just right?

What tasks am I trying to accomplish these days?

What help would I like, want from my partner to get my tasks done and also so that I can live my life more fully as a result of her/him being in my life?

This is the third element of intimacy, in which i make known to my partner my wants, desires. Then my partner’s love of me is tested to the degree that s/he willingly responds to the requests, while remaining true to her/his values. Sometimes i hear “No” from my partner. Sometimes i need to go “outside my comfort zones.” Long term intimate  relationships are not for the faint-hearted, nor for those who always want to “have it my way” or are not prepared to be inconvenienced.

This is “The Platinum Rule: Do Onto Others What is Of Value To Them”, which is a

symptom of mature love – willingly, lovingly responding to the other, whether I feel

like it, or not. In romantic love, I expect the other to know what i want without me

having to ask!

Credit – Jim Sellner, Ph.D., Dip.C., Co-Founder, Mind Probe; Co-author of Between The Sexes; Love, Anger, Guilt & Sex: The Psychology of Intimate Relationships; and The Marriage Survival Kit. Author of The Phallic Imperative: Why Men Are Hard To Get Along With!?